The biggest obstacle to success with women, or success in anything, is fear. The first time I cold-approached a girl it took me three hours to actually talk to her. When I finally did approach, I was a mess: my hands were shaking, my face was hot, my palms were sweaty, and when I spoke I sounded like a lost lamb my voice was shaking so much. I was not even asking for her number. I had been practicing sleight of hand for three years and wanted to get into get into street magic. Even though my delivery was awful, I was able to perform the trick successfully (she said it was cool), and went home elated. I had done something that for me was incredibly difficult. I had faced a major fear and did so successfully. I was proud of myself.
Fast forward to last Saturday. This time I am actually looking to get her number and I have to laugh at myself because nothing has changed: I am still afraid (though in control), and it still takes me a half an hour to actually approach.
When it comes to approaching the only thing that will drive the fear away is consistent practice.
Unfortunately this does not help for someone who is just starting out. Successfully managing your fear is often the difference between success and failure. So what do you do?
First: Get out of the house. Clean yourself up, dress well, and get out. You are not going to face your fears from your mom's basement. The dragons are out there, not in your apartment. GET OUT.
Second: Recognize that fear is a sign you are going in the right direction. If you are doing something that make you afraid that mean that you are doing something that challenges you. Ignore the people who say it is easy. They are not where you are. You have your challenges they have theirs. Do not let others dictate to you how difficult it should be. This is your challenge. Own it.
Third: Commit to the approach. Whatever happens DO NOT GIVE UP. This is probably the most important thing you can do. You will approach and you will ask her for her number. You may find that you abort the approach before you reach the girl. If that happens, compose yourself and approach again. If it takes a dozen tries, if it takes all day you will approach your target and you will ask for her number. Do not give up.
Fourth: Whatever she says be proud of yourself. If you are new to cold-approaching just getting past your fear is a success. It does not matter what she says because you have faced your fear and beat it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You did something that was difficult for you. This is something to be proud of.
Fifth: IMMEDIATELY after the first approach, do another. The momentum from one successful approach is often enough to propel you through another; do not waste it. If you do one approach, do another. Success breeds success. Use the energy from pushing through the fear to get you through multiple approaches, this will give you practice.
Last, I want to talk about a technique that helps me face my fear. Often I find that the three second rule is not enough and I abort the approach before I have reached the girl. When this happens I find a place nearby and sit down. The fear from the aborted approach is often still there trying to get me to give up, to go home, or any number of excuses to get me to not try again. So I try again. This will trigger the fear again. So I continue to listen to it. I let it in and try to feel it completely. This allows me to get used to the feeling. I goad it on. I dare it to try and get me to give up. I face it completely. I become completely aware of it. Most importantly I do not give up. I face the fear. I listen to it. I see it as separate from me. It is not me. It does not control me. I choose, it does not. This puts me in the driver's seat. It can push me but it cannot get me to give up. If I do this eventually I will approach and I will achieve my goal. I face my fear.
I permit the fear to pass over and through me.
When it has gone past I turn to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there is nothing.
Only I remain.
