An Ode to Cheese (2/5)...

My homage continues.

Frankenfish is based off a real event and also hints at consumer consumption of genetically-engineered salmon. Science and reality shoved aside (and I do mean shoved), this movie is a treat that can be found on YouTube; which saves a queue-space on Netflix. The quality is good and the movie even more enjoyable because it’s free. If you are having 90 minutes of nothingness, check it out. I have the link posted at the end. Spoilers follow, so be warned.

Frankenfish deviates from convention by having a black hero and heroine, portrayed by Tory Kittles and K.D. Aubert, respectively. The movie takes place in the Louisiana Bayou, in the tiny town of Otley. Something is attacking the residents. Sam Rivers (played by Kittles; a handsome guy) is a medical examiner sent to investigate the deaths. Sam and a marine biologist named Mary find their way to a small houseboat community and get stuck there. The residents include a “hoodoo” widow woman and her daughter Eliza (played by Aubert), Eliza’s white boyfriend, a hippie couple, a crazy ex-military type and a noodling fisherman named Elmer.

Sam Rivers, M.E. Also, he's Black.

You know things are going to be interesting when Sam and Mary come upon a decapitated alligator (an uncommon sight, I'm told), but the fun begins when Sam and Mary arrive at the community to interview Gloria, a widow whose husband was retardedly murdered by one of the Fish. After a dinner of snapping turtle gumbo, during which we find out that Eliza once had a crush on Sam (they went to the same high school), Elmer leads Sam and Mary to an abandoned boat. Gloria told them that the problems started after the boat was found. After discovering the mauled bodies in the bilge, Mary accidentally knocks Elmer into the water and he’s immediately eaten by one of the Frankenfish. Sam and Mary hotfoot it back to the community where the Fish promptly destroy all of the boats. Why this happens is never explained, but it doesn't matter because it’s hilarious. The Frankenfish do world-class backflips Olympic gymnasts would envy. They walk on land, and they’re at least the size of a Toyota Prius.

The stoner hippie dude is the first one to get got and it happens in royal fashion. A Frankenfish bites his head off in front of his wife. She ends up in the water and doesn't try to save herself. You want her to get eaten and you’re not disappointed. The crazy ex-military type, Ricardo (the best friend of Gloria’s dead husband) vowed revenge early on and gets it when he manages to bait and catch the Frankenfish (at this point, they think it’s just the one). Ricardo kills the Fish and, in an utterly gut-busting scene (pun intended), barbecues and eats its heart. I've never seen anybody barbecue a fish heart the size of a Daisy canned ham bare-handed. Come to think of it, I've never seen anyone barbecue a fish heart. At any rate, the residents think everything is over, but it’s not because the Mama Frankenfish avenges her murdered child. The Mama jumps on Ricardo’s porch and eats his intestines. Then, as if to say, “Motherf**ker,” she pushes his eviscerated behind into the water. I nearly choked with glee and pumped my fist because, in these kinds of movies, I always root for the animals.

As funny as the above scene is, nothing compares to the death of Mary. After Ricardo dies, his grill falls over and heats up his shotgun. Mary is standing on the end of Gloria’s porch, explaining a way they can escape when the shotgun discharges, shooting her in the face.

Eliza. Smart, resourceful & Black.

Let me repeat: She gets shot in the face by an unmanned shotgun! I cannot tell a lie; I laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. I know tears were in my eyes. It was the best scene in the entire movie. After that, everything went downhill. Mama Frankenfish attacks the houseboats, sinking them. The remaining residents are able to escape via a group of trackers. One of them, a game hunter (white, of course), pulls a dick move by forcing Sam to go after the Mama. Sam, being a smart fellow, manages to escape with Eliza. It is discovered that the Frankenfish are genetically modified Northern Snakeheads (who apparently can walk on land), bred to be hunted by the game hunter. This butthole gets his ass handed to him by the Daddy Frankenfish, who happens to be the size of an Escalade.

The ending is too quick and anticlimactic, but it’s memorable because the last two standing are Sam and Eliza. Now they do some decidedly non-Black foolishness by making out afterwards in the swamp while covered in fish brains, but it was a concession I was happy to make. Black folk don't usually survive these adventures.

Now, for your viewing pleasure...