My name is Jamie and I'm a Black Girl Nerd. I have been black and nerdy my whole life. Well I've been black longer, but you get my drift. I've finally released that repressed part of my soul that I've
tried to hide through social masks and distorted worldly perspectives about what being a black girl is all about. In fact in the world that I live in, being a black girl meant being the ANTI-nerd. As a part of my DNA I had to be assertive, confident, strong, and a social butterfly. Being a shy reticent hermit was just weird. The other black girls in the high school cafeteria thought "what is wrong with her?" The white girls in the cafeteria thought, "what is wrong with her?" As a matter a fact everyone thought, "what is wrong..." well you get the idea. I lacked Oprah Winfrey's social graces, Halle Berry's stunning good looks, and Maya Angelou's reverent confidence. Strong, beautiful, black woman are adjectives that are printed indelibly in our lexicon so deeply, that society assumes that generalization of all African American women. Okay, now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is anything erroneous about being attached to a stigma of being a gorgeous, secure, graceful woman.
If it were up to me and I had a genie in a bottle it would be the last of my three wishes next to requesting an abundance of wealth and being married to Jon B. But alas--instead of inhabiting those powerful characteristics I am the polar opposite. I lack a great deal of self-confidence, I am socially awkward, and I question my own beauty so much that its hard to look at myself in the mirror. I remember as a young girl when a friend of mine asked, "how come you never look me in the eyes?"
It never dawned on me that I don't make eye-contact with people. It's a bad habit I've carried throughout my adolescence into my young adulthood and I must be honest and say that I still suffer from it today. My introvertedness is something I have finally come to terms with at the ripe old age of 32 (I've got to stop saying that...lol). It was something I used to hide and was ashamed of, but now I embrace it and I want the entire world to know that this is who I am and who God created me to be. I'm a chubby, introverted, black girl that likes to listen to 80's music and spend my Friday nights watching CNN. I rather spend several hours with my nose stuck in book rather than attend a social engagement with friends.
I'm not an introvert in a weird I-don't-want-any-people-around-me kind of way, I just enjoy solitude. Peace and quiet takes precedence over an evening at a nightclub. For many years I wore a social mask that allowed me to pretend by engaging in a party-girl lifestyle that was the only way to have fun and make friends. The next day after waking up with cottonmouth and a hangover the size of Texas, I realized that this is not me. I'm not the sloppy drunk girl at the party, or the girl that makes out with a random guy just to feel accepted. I'm not the girl who is overly rambunctious or frivolously spends money on designer clothes, makeup, and accessories from the pages of fashion magazines just to simply look---dare I say...."cute".
This is not me. This was never me. This will no longer be me ever again. I enjoy being a black girl nerd. I enjoy being who I was meant to be---from birth shall we say? I was a nerd when I didn't even know what a nerd was. I was a nerd when I was trying so hard not to be one. I AM a nerd. Having said all of this, I want all other BGN's to know that the terms "nerd", "geek", "dork", and "dweeb" are
terms of endearment. You are loved and to be revered. You are adored and cherished. Do not let anyone ever tell you different. I believe deeply from the bottom of my heart that for every nerd, there is someone out there trying exceedingly hard, not to be one. The question remains, how long will it take for them to realize that they too have been a nerd all of their life? How long will it take for them to realize who they are is their TRUE identity in all its glory? Everyone has a little nerd waiting to come out of them. Take off your masks girls and let your true nerdy black girl self manifest its way outwardly so we can truly see you for the strong, beautiful, confident black woman you really are.
