So in the midst of this life altering randomness, I have been visited by the ghost of ex-boyfriends past. What is it about dating someone new that inspires the old to come out of the woodwork? Whenever I meet a cute boy, suddenly all of my exes start popping up. It's like vampires at a coffin convention...and me without garlic and a stake.
My first visit came on Facebook from a dude I'd neither seen nor heard from since 2003: "Hi, I miss you. What have you been up to?" Really? Then when I returned from Ghana, as soon as I turned my phone back on I had a text message from the Crazy Gemini who doesn't exactly count as a boyfriend but don't tell him that, he seems to think otherwise. And then the icing on the cake, was a message I received from the Big Round Headed Loser. He asked his other ex-girlfriend (who is actually a good friend of mine....we didn't meet until we were both exes) to wish me a Happy Birthday. I repeat, my ex asked his ex to deliver a message to me...which is just so wrong in so many ways. Yes, I know he doesn't have my number or know where I live, so arguably it would be difficult for him to get in contact with me. But that was the point, right? My last words to this dude were, "I hate you. I regret ever knowing you. I am erasing your number right now and I will never talk to you again. Don't call me." Was I unclear?
Okay, so I am taking these events as a sign, a test of sorts. It is clear to me that at some point I would like to get married and have kids and that this side of 30, that might be a sooner than later type of thing. So perhaps these exes are popping up as an experiential lesson in forgiveness; what not to do again and letting go.
Step one is to forgive. The first two exes on the list. I had almost forgotten that we even dated, so that in of itself says we're good on forgiveness. The Big Round Headed Loser, that's another story. I did some forgiveness work around the time when we broke up. I started by burning his picture, then a friend and I did what I guess could be termed a broken glass ceremony (which I recommend, it's very healing). This consisted of going out into the recycling bin and smashing a lot of empty bottles, like Greek plate breaking but cheaper. Safety goggles are a must. And then I moved into prayer. I meditated. I blessed him. I wished him well, then I let it go. Okay, I thought I let it go. Whenever he pops up I still get annoyed which to me says maybe there is more left to do.
But how do you get rid of someone you've already gotten rid of? Me and the Big Round Headed Loser don't talk. I don't see him around. We never did really run in the same circles. So I decided to go visit my local reiki healer. Apparently there were still a lot of energetic chords binding us together. This is all new to me. Energy work and chords and whatnot weren't covered in the curriculum in Madison West High nor subsequently in college or grad school. Once I learned about our connecting chords, my instinct was to sever them immediately, but my healer suggested we work first on trying to diminish them and so we did this mediation where we shrunk the chords and as they got smaller, even as I was thinking to myself, 'What the hell is a chord, I mean what is it made of, do I even believe in this?' I found myself suddenly sobbing. All the feelings I thought I'd left behind, the sadness, the missing our friendship, the grief of what could have been came flooding back to me and I was overwhelmed.
I loved this person. I loved him and he loved me and we still couldn't make it work. And that's okay. We were friends and now I avoid him because every time I look at him I remember one more missed opportunity. I don't want him back, but I don't hate him either. I just want to move on. And so my first step is to remember not all the things that made me want to break bottles and burn pictures or even all the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I think the first step is to realize that all these things are in the rear view mirror. Time to start seeing life through the windshield. A simple shift in perspective can do wonders.
Reagan Jackson is a writer, artist, YA fiction aficionado, afro-punk, international educator, and community organizer based in Seattle, WA. You can find her most Tuesdays at the Seattle Poetry Slam or maybe just being nerdy at her favorite bookstores.
