Finally, a dating book for blerds! There are countless books on the market that help you navigate the dating world. But few address the unique challenges we experience as blerds. We are intelligent, creative, pleasantly introverted, digitally influenced and have a steel trap memory filled with cool Punky Brewster, Lord of the Rings and Pac-Man factoids. That’s why I found Eric Smith’s The Geek's Guide to Dating (Quirk Books; December 3, 2013; $14.95) to be especially tailored for our various personalities.
While the book is targeted toward guys, much of Smith’s advice can just as easily be transferred to female readers. I’ve compiled a few tips I thought were especially noteworthy:
On managing expectations…
As Blerds, it may be harder for us to let go of the superman fantasy (tall, dark and handsome, who’s also x, y, and z—calculated qualities that meet your checklist and may or may not resemble the kind of male forces you battle against in the gamer world). But Smith reminds us that in the real world, men come with flaws. He may not be the exact one you pictured in your head, but it may be time to branch out. You could be missing out on a great thing.
On stepping outside our comfort zones…
Do you always date the same type of men? We shouldn't allow ourselves to make the same mistake over and over again. Narrowing your horizons in any aspect of your life is never a good thing. Just because the new guy may be into cosplaying like your last BF doesn't mean that that the new guy is for you. He was your ex for a reason. You are more than your interests. Dig deeper to find something better.
On approaching a potential mate…
I’ve never been opposed to making the first move (my motto has always been, 'life is short, and I have no time for foolery'), but I know many of my fellow blerds may not be as willing to step to a guy (after all, we honor tradition and may have certain expectations). But Smith encourages us to “feel the fear and talk to him anyway.” I know, daunting. He reminds us that, in doing this, we are the controller in this situation and we are the ones who are in charge of how it goes down. Regardless of his response, we’re still winners. If it doesn't go our way, we can still pat ourselves on the back for stepping out of our comfort zone and trying.
On building a kick-ass online dating profile…
Whether it’s traditional online dating sites, social media outlets or MMORPGS (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), the cyber world has become a popular way for blerds to meet one another. But it’s often hard to write about ourselves in a way that would appeal to others. Smith helps us out:
· Don’t obsess over your profile. As blerds, the online world is where we are often most comfortable. This is our domain, where we rule. But the impression we think we’re putting forth may not be the best approach. Pick a good user name (not hotgurl32). You’re creative, so give yourself a name that says a little something about you (like Jem98 or Gambit42). Post a handful of images of yourself (you don’t want to give off the impression that there’s only one good picture of you).
· Your profile shouldn't be the length of a book. We sometimes get excited about all the prospects we might meet once we think we have written this excellent autobiography on a dating website. But, as my favorite editor once told me (and Smith agrees), keep it simple. Instead of saying, I’m looking for the Batman to my Batgirl, say I’m a laid-back girl looking for a man to share adventures with. Provide just enough intriguing details to give an idea of who you are. You can cover the rest in person. Also, instead of saying you’re into music, movies etc, say specifically which artist or film you love. If you’re a fan of Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones and Guitar Hero, say it loud and proud! There is no shame in your game. Plus, this could be a great conversation starter.
On checking out his profile…
· Slow down. Before you immediately discard a profile because he doesn't have all the qualities you seek, try engaging in a real conversation via instant messaging. Get to know the person beyond the profile. Before you agree to meet him, find out what he’s looking for. No matter how great the conversation is, you should make sure you have things in common outside the fact that you’re both on a dating website.
· Beware of traps. As with traditional dating, there are some risks for online dating. Steer clear of trolls, who are basically characters who create an online profile but don’t actually exist. Keep your guard up until this person has earned your trust. There’s a chance that the person you’re talking to may not be who they say they are. Gauge whether or not the person is reciprocating your interest. If not, back off.
On where to meet guys outside of cyberspace (hint: scout blerd-friendly locales)…
· Comic book stores. One of the most important things to remember about blerd dating is that you don’t have to go far outside your natural habitat to meet a guy. Comic book stores are prime locations. See someone who catches your eye? Observe what he’s checking out in the store. Make eye contact and smile. If you've got an in, approach and don’t hesitate (a lack of confidence may come off awkward). Break in with a question about what he’s looking at, and hold back on your own opinions at first in order to not come off as condescending.
· Video game stores. This is a great place to hit up, especially when new inventory arrives. Trying going to a midnight release party, when folks wait in line to be among the first to score a copy of the latest blockbuster title. If the store has a demo game system set up, challenge him to a round. Remember: don’t judge a gamer by his choices, even if he’s buying a bad game. Keep an open mind.
· The arcade. Challenge him to a friendly game. If things go well, invite him for another round. A quick, friendly chat in between rounds can also be an easy icebreaker that you don't have to commit to as the next round begins.
· The bookstore. Find out what is he interested in. Try asking him about a book. You can also make your own suggestions here too.
· The convention. Comic Con, otherwise known as blerd haven. Try to get some one-on-one time with the hot cosplayer, but don’t overwhelm him if he's giving you the cold shoulder. If you ask for a picture of him, don’t linger if he’s not offering up any additional small talk. Don’t be shy about asking what his nerd obsession of choice is.
If you’re not looking for a fellow blerd…
While some of us may be looking for like-minded individuals, there are plenty of us who are looking for the yin to our yang. Smith divulges on how we should go about finding a non-blerd:
· Expand your network. Head to social gatherings where music is playing in the background. Approach and try commenting on the scene (how do you know the owners of the house? for instance). After you've got your opener, let him marinate on it as you reconvene with your friends or grab a drink. See if he circles back to you. If it’s a great party, there might be a fun activity you can invite him to partner with you on (like karaoke or charades).
· Check your married friends’ social networks. Chances are, your girlfriend’s husband may have a few single male friends you might find interesting.
· The bar. I know, I know. It’s often a breeding ground for a**holes. But, if you’re there it can’t be all a**holes, right?
Smith tip: If he’s in a group laughing with his friends, he’s probably just there for a good time so it may not be wise to approach. But if he’s looking around the room while hanging with the boys, make your move. Start with hi and roll with it. Watch his body language; if he looks away, doesn't change his expression, or replies in monosyllables, cease and desist.
· The coffee shop. Sounds clichéd, but there have been too many times that I've heard someone say that they met their significant other at Starbucks. Those people who you always see with a laptop huddled at a table in the corner? They've got the right idea. Grab a cup of joe, bring a book or your own laptop and settle in. See someone? Glance at what he’s drinking from over the top of your laptop screen a la Pretty in Pink. Make eye contact, smile and look away. Give him a moment to react when you're not looking. If he doesn't return your coyness, let it go. If he does, get up (to go to the trash, order more coffee, something) and comment on what he’s reading/drinking/doing. A quick observation should set things in motion.
· The college classroom. Pick a seat near his. Ask for help (not in a fake damsel in distress kind of way of course but a genuine inquiry on an aspect of the lecture that you might have missed while you were too busy admiring him). Or, ask his opinion on the lecture or get into a friendly argument over the class material. Feeling bold? Suggest a one-on-one study session, or ask him about his weekend plans.
Now go date!
