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| Photo from Essence.com |
When I was nine years old a childhood friend of mine named Crystal Glass (not kidding---that was her real name) asked me this very question.
How come you don't look people in the eye?
I didn't understand quite what she meant at the time, but I guess it was because I was not conscious of the fact that at the time, I never looked people in the eye when I spoke to them. I thought that looking them in the eye as they were speaking to me, was enough eye contact in itself, but apparently that wasn't enough in the world of an extrovert. I didn't know that you had to look people in the eye when you spoke to them.
After she asked me that question, I immediately became self-conscious and realized that I had an innate fear of looking people in the eye. I found myself forcibly trying to gaze in the lens of others as I spoke to them, but I failed miserably.
I would dart my eyes in two second increments and look down or look to the side.
I would gloss over their face and not make real actual eye contact.
I would force my focal point to go blurry so it made it a little easier to look at them.
This sounds very odd I know, but this is yet another part of my idiosyncratic behavior that makes me an authentic introvert in every way. So another question to pose here is this...what am I so afraid of?
I feel self-conscious about myself and probably lack a great deal of self-esteem and confidence about who I am. To this very day I still find myself not looking people in the eye when I speak. I know that this may come off as dismissive or as if I have something to hide, but I just can't help it. The only time I make a concerted effort to make eye contact is when I am in a job interview. At a time when one is expected to make eye contact, otherwise you will not get the job.
I know there are still issues I need to iron through. I know that I have to stop being so prideful about what others think of me, and instead focus on the true inner beauty within me that is God-centered and real beyond measure. I find it fascinating that I have the knowledge and wisdom, but I don't practice what I preach. As I write this, I know I still lack a great deal of fortitude and certainty when I express myself. I strive everyday to be just a little more extroverted, but my nature forces it against my will to retrieve back into my shell like a turtle too frightened to come out.
Don't be offended if I do not look you in the eye when we speak. It's just another part of my nerdy girl personality that makes me....essentially me.
