Advice from a Non-Single: What Cartoons Taught Me What NOT to Look for in a Man

It’s now post-Valentine’s Day and because I have plenty of single friends, I’ve witnessed up close the tremendous shade the holiday gets. I’m married now, but believe me... I’ve been there! There were plenty of V-days when not only did I not have a boo – a decent candidate wasn’t even on the horizon.

In fact, by the time I graduated college, after a few disastrous dates with guys who thought "So what color panties you got on?" and "You sure you're not a lesbian?" were appropriate "getting-to-know you" conversations, I had pretty much resolved that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. The marriage stats for black women weren't that great anyway, so I knew chances weren't stacked in my favor. And frankly, I refused to settle for just any ol' dude in order to have the illusion of happily-ever-after. But, to my amazement, it was around that time that I met my future husband, Andrew.

The official end to my "loser" streak

We were both reporters at small newspaper in the boonies of Maryland, and we were total opposites. (For example, I'd shown up that first week on the job in a business suit, while Andrew thought wearing wrinkled jeans, a flannel shirt, a heavy metal band T-shirt, and scuffed Converse sneakers were appropriate business attire.) But there was something about him that won me over. Was it his wit or his snarky sense of humor? Or maybe the fact that he was a fellow nerd? (Yes, nerd... not blerd, since my hubby is of the Caucasian persuasion.) I don't know. But by then, I definitely knew what I wanted in a guy, and he had it.

Before meeting my hubby, there are a lot of things that shaped my opinion of who would be an ideal mate for me: my mom's preaching… the bad dates I previously mentioned… the sad sack stories that my friends shared about their no-account boyfriends. And though some of it was personal preference, there are certain personality types that lend themselves better than others to being a lifelong mate. I figured, what better blerdy way to share my romantic lessons learned than to talk about cartoon guys who would make crappy boyfriends, and why their real-life versions should be avoided at all costs?

Here’s a short list of guys to avoid:

Rio from Jem and the Holograms (Mr. Oblivious)

It’s one thing for a guy not to realize that you’re wearing a new sweater, but it’s an entirely different scenario when he doesn’t recognize you’re a completely different person! How the hell did Rio not figure out that Jerrica and her hologram, Jem, were the same damn woman? Okay, one had blond short hair. The other had pink long hair and wore heavy makeup. But that’s it! Same face… same body... same voice. And we’re not even going to get into the fact that he was technically cheating by dating both Jerrica and Jem at the same time. What an ass!

“Real-life” moral of the story: A guy who pays attention to details is one you want keep. The guy who sleepwalks his way through your relationship is one you toss back.

The Tick (The Dumb Idealist)

Now I love me some Tick. I used to tune in every Saturday to watch the cartoon with my dad. Tick has all the qualities of a hilariously bumbling superhero: his over-eagerness to save others, his inflated sense of his abilities, and the fact that he can take off the side of rooftops as he runs to the rescue and not even notice. But his poor sidekick Arthur – the more practical of the two – was often left to clean up the messes Tick created, or worse, was put in danger because of Tick’s over enthusiasm. Tick was essentially a 30-year-old, muscle-bound child who needed to be constantly supervised. That ish would get old real fast.

“Real-life” moral of the story: “I’m your girlfriend; not your damn babysitter!” If you constantly find yourself cleaning up your boyfriend’s messes — even if he had good intentions — it’s time to let this one go.

Trent from Daria (The Aspiring Musician)

I think every black neighborhood has at least one guy who is sure that fame and fortune await him as soon as his basement studio-produced album drops. Trent is the cartoon equivalent of this guy. Yeah, he has the cute bad boy thing going with his piercings and tattoos. Yeah, he’s intense and introspective. But when you’re a grown man still living at home or in a back of a van because you’re focusing on your “art” and refuse to get a real job, that ain’t sexy. Even Daria realized in one fantasy sequence what it would be like to be married to Trent… and it wasn’t pretty.

“Real-life” moral of the story: A loser is a loser — even if he does have some musical ability. If hanging out at his studio or listening to his band practice is his version of a “date”... If he’s constantly short on cash and you always find yourself paying for everything when you’re out together... If he quits his job or school to follow his heart and “live out his dream,” walk away. Walk away quickly!

— Black Girl Nerds contributor, Shelly Ellis