The Vicious Cycle: Dating (or Looking for Love) While Black

Thanks Twitter! This post is from a rousing like...4 way conversation going on right now. I could get flack, and if so, that's cool. I got some earlier tonight from Facebook for something completely different so it happens.

I read an article, found here written by Jai Stone about how black men will not date black reason for a plethora of reasons. Too fat, too "black" (as in dark skin), ass not big enough, too dominate (read bitchy), short hair, and the list goes on. I see light skin slander on my timeline all the time and it's downright shameful. The short hair thing even hits home for me because no matter how much I love my boyfriend and he loves me, God forbid I take out my long weave. I feel like he views me as less of a woman. Or that I'm uglier. That's also a stigma from being raised in the South. If you cut your hair, especially if you have long "good hair", consider yourself shunned. Regardless of all this, black men cannot hold all the guilt. Black women, we do it too. Let me explain...

So, there was a point in time I was anti-Black men. Couldn't stand them. Didn't want anything to do with them? Why do you ask? I felt like majority I ran into had no drive, no motivation, wanted to be bout that life (read pseudo-thug), or just plain got on my nerves. Thankfully, my group of friends were not like this but I simply didn't want to date them. Either they were already taken, I didn't want to date them, or they didn't want to date me. I met my current boyfriend online and we started "dating" as we lived in two different states but he was perfect for me. We were bound to meet up but this didn't happen when expected because life happened so we just broke up  (we ended up getting back together a few years later if anyone cares). It was magical. Before we saw pictures of each other, we thought the other was white because of how they presented themselves. Spoke (typed) well, had the same musical interests, loved anime. Match made in heaven. Found out the other was black and talk about true love. I've openly said time and again, he was the only black guy I would date and marry. We're still together now. I'm waiting on a ring. But that's beside the point.

Black women will look at black men and dog them equally as bad. "He doesn't drive a nice car." "He flips burgers." "He doesn't have swag." Alright. Stop it. Before you start trying to name the black Superman as your mate, let's do some self reflection. Can you equally give to your potential boo thang what you're asking for? Will this be an equal footing relationship? If there are some things you don't agree with, are you willing to compromise? Fundamentally, can you coexist? Ask yourself these things. Both parties need to ask yourself this. If you're looking for too much, time to knock yourself down a few pegs and do some self work. Adonis isn't just gonna fall into your lap and you have no idea how many awesome men or women of color you are turning down because they have short hair and are "cute for a dark skin girl" or he's going to school full time so he's got those student loans and has to take the bus to get around.

Now, I've dated outside my race and it wasn't all bad. But in one relationship, I had to be hidden from his family because I was black and that was beyond painful. And even when we broke up, he told me he would never date black women again. That hurt even more. But, he's now looking like Boo Boo the Fool so I'm good. And in the grand scheme of things, I've learned that there's just somethings you can't get from dating outside your race. There's just an understanding that there. I lucked out because my boyfriend is a black nerd so we click like two peas in a pod when we're not going through normal couple problems. He's made me happier than I could ever imagine.

As I've gotten older, my views have changed. I was like, 18 when I made the statement of never dating black men again. I realized it was ignorant. Stupid. Close-minded. Considering I'm not looking to date anyone else, I'm a little different. But still, the color wars we have amongst our own race have to stop. Degrading our men and women have to stop. We need to start looking behind so many shallow things and really analyze a person for what they can give you. So what they're dark skin? As I've gotten older, the more attractive I've become to the chocolate men. Tasty. We have GOT to stop looking down on each other. Black men and black women get terrible enough raps from other races, why the FUCK do we continue to do it to ourselves?