I am normally reluctant to discuss my personal business with others, but after reading TIA & RGD and lurking on VP for a few years (and now AG) I have come to place a lot of stock in your analytical abilities and was hoping for your insight. It's somewhat complicated so I'll do my best to trim the fat and avoid boring you with any unrelated rambling.Considering that he's essentially talking about de facto polygyny here, for which there is not only copious evidence that it is Biblically acceptable, but soon to be entirely legal in the USA as well. I am a little skeptical that the wife will be as accepting of the expanded structure as the other woman, but if she's genuinely asexual and is sufficiently intelligent to protect her own long-term interests, she might accept it with an amount of relief.
A dozen years ago I started dating a girl from where I worked at the time, who left her 1st boyfriend to 'trade up' to me. She is 7 years younger than me, was 20 at the time. We hit it off very well and became very close, but I noticed one odd problem: there was no sex or sexuality. That baffled me, as I was unaccustomed to 'dry spells', but I thought perhaps she just needed time, which I allowed. After 6 months things started happening, but only just barely...as in, once a month or so, no foreplay allowed, and she would get noticeably restless after a few minutes.
Despite this, I felt close enough to her that I eventually proposed, and we got married. (I know, sounds delta or gamma or something but that's where I was then).
After a while, even the minimal sex stopped altogether. She flinches if I touch her near a sexual area, it is clearly unwanted. No amount of flowers or jewelry or other traditionally romantic gestures has ever deactivated her force field. After ruling out theories like closet lesbianism, an inexplicable nosedive of Game, previous sexual abuse, that I might unwittingly be an odorous troll, etc, I eventually realized she may well be one of the statistical minority of people who are genuinely asexual, which pretty much killed my sexual desire for her since she has none to reciprocate with; I just have no physical interest in any woman who has none in me, or with whom I have no strong bond. So, I no longer pressure her with notification of frustration over my unmet needs.
Of importance is the fact that at some point I evolved from agnosticism to a strong interest in following God, whereas she remains unconvinced and uninterested, even though she is aware of the abundance of supporting evidence that might otherwise cause the intellectually honest to reconsider their previous skepticism. However, this has never been a source of friction between us, we're both pretty laid back. So I feel compelled to honor my commitment to her despite her absence of sexuality. And despite being otherwise somewhat misanthropic, she in turn leans heavily on me, having formed some deep bond that doesn't include any intimacy beyond holding hands. Not even kissing. (both non-smokers, good oral hygiene, so not an olfactory problem) So, I had no idea what spiritually acceptable recourse I may have.
Although I'd be interested in your commentary on that, here's where it gets more complicated: In your opinion, is it technically possible to cheat on a person with whom you have no sexual relationship? The reason I ask is, I met a woman at church and we were drawn to one another and have been in regular contact. She and I are strongly attracted to each other, and none other, but she periodically reminds me that if my faith in God is not a top priority like hers, then she will have to sever our relationship. Her faith is strong, and at times I have given her some very reassuring input when she has questions, or when her atheist friends attack her beliefs. In turn, she tries to keep me on track, spiritually. She is aware of my unusual marital situation, and proposed a solution I didn't expect: sharing me with my wife, but with exclusive sexual rights. (she has a very...vigorous drive)
I would much prefer to have everything straightforward and out in the open with nothing to hide, and I can't help thinking that since my wife has permanently said 'no' to me sexually, then she has essentially forfeited the right to say 'no' to this, but then again, I'm sure she will somehow not see it that way, so I have been procrastinating having "the talk" with her because historically, she has a meltdown if she feels our stability is threatened. However, the other woman is becoming increasingly anxious about it, and wishes I would proceed with all due haste.
Although I'm not looking forward to "the talk", I'm about ready to pull the trigger on this but first I need to know: I'm sure that mainstream 'Churchianity' would make no provision for any non-standard relationship but given the unusual circumstances in my situation, if I were to conduct myself responsibly towards these 2 women according to our individual relationships and spiritual principles, do you feel that such an arrangement would find disfavor in Gods eyes? Aside from my unmet needs, aside from the presumably conflicting desires of both women whom I love in different ways, aside from disapproval from those with strictly conventional perspectives, above all else I would greatly prefer not to displease God. If it were permissible, I'd have to tell my wife that it comes to this. If not, I'd have a different talk with the other woman. So I am requesting the aid of your advanced analytical abilities as well as your spiritual perspective. If you have made it here to the end of the email, I would like to thank you for your consideration of this matter, and I look forward to your perspective on it.
Regardless, I think JG has a free hand here, as the wife has clearly violated her marital vows to love her husband and has failed to perform her primary marital duty. She's fortunate that he takes his vows as seriously as he does, because there is little question that he has firm grounds for a divorce, if not a legitimate annulment.
Sex is not the entirety of marriage, but it is a foundation and a necessary aspect of it. A sexless marriage is intrinsically oxymoronic and cannot be expected to last without an amount of external support.
