"WTH Is That in Her Diaper?" and Other Interesting Discoveries: The Low Down on Becoming a New Mom (With Contest Giveaway!)

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts, you know that I like to approach life with a sense of humor. Giving birth and becoming a new mom was no exception. Yes, I love my little girl, Chloe, a.k.a. the Artist formerly known as Jelly Bean. Yes, giving birth to a healthy baby filled me with relief and joy. But there are a few things about the birthing experience and becoming a new mom that surprised me, and wasn’t covered in What to Expect When You’re Expecting or any of the other pregnancy books. I figured I share a bit of those experiences.

Warning: A lot of this isn’t pretty, but hey, its childbirth! It’s not supposed to be!
(Or you can just skip all the ick and go straight to the contest giveaway below.)

1) Yes, boys and girls, labor can last for almost 100 hours!
I bet you want to call bull s@#$ on this one. But I’m telling the truth: My early labor started on Thursday at around 10 p.m. with contractions roughly 15 minutes apart and I didn’t give birth until Monday at around 9 p.m. I said later that I understood why John McCain made up a confession to his Vietnamese torturers back in the day. By the 70th hour of labor, I would have lied about anything too if you asked me. Yes, my name is Anastasia. Yes, I work for the KGB… Uh-huh, world domination is my goal! Can I have my damn epidural now?

2) They can send you home because your contractions aren’t “bad enough yet.”
Yeah, so, umm, when you go to birthing class they tell you about the 5-1-1 rule: Contractions that are 5 minutes apart, one minute in duration, lasting for at least one hour usually means you need to head to the hospital. But NO ONE told me that the nurse could say, “Yes, but if you’re able to talk through the pain, the contractions aren’t bad enough. Go back home and come back when they’re more intense.” What? What do you mean “more intense”?

By midnight I knew what the nurse meant. She meant “ripping off door handles” intense, “grunting like an orangutan because there’s only so much screaming one woman can do” intense. By the time I came back to the hospital more than 12 hours later, I was trembling and exhausted. When the labor nurse on duty pumped me full of Stadol, a painkiller that should be remained “Girl’s Best Friend,” I was ready to be knocked the hell out.

3) While recovering from delivery, they tell you to rest. But no one at the hospital will leave you the hell alone!
You just endured 90 hours of labor and gave birth. So all you really want to do is sleep, right? Ha! Good luck with that! I swear there were people knocking on my hospital door every 2 hours, either to check my vitals, check the baby, take blood samples, bring disgusting hospital food, or generally, just to irritate me. I respect the work physicians and nurses do. I understand it’s just their jobs. But if I had to endure another day of the non-stop visits, I think I would have thrown a bed pan at someone and it might not have been empty.

4) Everyone will poke and prod you until you feel like a lab specimen.
I used to be a girl who got embarrassed while having a pap smear exam. When the doc would say “Relax your legs,” I did the contrary and instantly tensed up. Well, I won’t be embarrassed anymore! I had about six random people sticking their hands in my vajajay to check how dilated I was. After the delivery was over, I had nurses inserting catheters, flipping me over and parting my butt cheeks to examine me for hemorrhoids, and hovering and smiling over me as they watched me pee. After a while, it became so routine I’d just flop on my back like an old hooker, close my eyes, and wait for it to be over.

5) You are not a Nazi if you have to use the bottle.
All the experts tell you that it’s best to breastfeed your baby. Studies show breastfed babies have better mental development, overall health, etc. But why don’t they tell you that you may have to wait days after the baby is born before this magic breast milk appears? Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do? Let my baby starve to death? I figured something was wrong and asked to speak with the hospital’s lactation expert. Big mistake! If I felt bad before about not being able to breastfeed right away, the militant voice for all things boobie made me feel 10 times worse. So I’m here to say it: You are not a bad person if you can’t lactate on command.

6) Hospitals are drug pushers.
During your pregnancy you’re not allowed to take any drugs besides Tylenol unless approved by a doc who has to weigh the benefits versus how it could affect your baby. Even aspirin is banned unless your doc says so. So it’s weird to suddenly come to a place that offers you drugs like some neighborhood drug dealer. Want some Stadol? Want an epidural? Want some Pitocin? No, really, I’m good. Want some Midol? Want some stool softener? I said I was good, damn it!

7) How did I go from cute pregnant to just icky saggy?
Okay, I kind of knew about this one ahead of time, but it’s one thing to know it and another thing to experience it. I kept hearing about how cute and fit I looked while I was pregnant. Yeah, but the day after you push out a baby, you’re not so cute anymore! Your body is like a deflated tire: saggy stomach, boobs that managed to get even bigger overnight, and (surprise!) you’re still retaining more water than a Deer Park truck.

8) You will read diaper contents like you’re reading tea leaves.
What… is… that? That’s basically what I say every time I change my daughter’s diapers. Who knew baby poop could come in so many interesting varieties: chocolate pudding, Dijon mustard, and oatmeal bits mixed in soy sauce. And of course, being a new mom I’m sure that it’s a sign that she’s sick and I’m a horrible mother and I can’t believe I didn’t spot the signs she was at death’s door. When the truth is, no, it’s just poop.

9) Everyone has advice on what works with a newborn. And everyone’s right… and everyone’s wrong.
You should feed a baby every time they wake up and cry. No, you should wake them up every 2 to 3 hours to feed them! You should bathe your newborn every night. No, you only need to hand wash them a few times a week!

Yeah, my husband and I have heard conflicting advice from everyone, from pediatricians to grandparents. We’ve had to weed our way through the wildly varying opinions, and figure out who was right and who was wrong. Truth is, everyone is right and everyone is wrong! There’s no clear way to take care of a baby. So to give myself a break, I’m setting the bar pretty low. Don’t maim her and don’t kill her. The rest… I can figure out along the way.

- Black Girl Nerds contributor, Shelly Ellis

In honor of the birth of my baby, I'm holding a giveaway contest all week to celebrate the release of my other baby, Can't Stand the Heat, the first book in the Gibbons Gold Digger series about a family of eccentric sisters. Those who enter are eligible to receive one of three signed copies of my book. Of those three winners, one grand prize winner or the first name chosen by Raffle Ticket at random will receive a pair of Emporio Armani sunglasses because the Gibbons sisters wouldn't go without them and you shouldn't either. Enter the contest below.

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