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| Photo from carolinejhingory.com |
You and I have been estranged for several years. We used to get along just fine when I was told by my parents that I was beautiful and worthy. You led me to believe I can do anything and be anything if I simply just put my mind to it. I felt encouraged by you to trust and believe that everything will be okay. Then tragedy struck one day and my parents got a divorce. I was forced to move to a new city and lost all of my friends and was forced to make new ones. The reassuring compliments and praises slowly began to dissipate away. My mother was working full time and too busy to spend quality time with me and my father was out of the picture.
I decided to try to figure things out for my own. As a result, I made poor choices and consequential decisions that led to a string of bad relationships. You decided to leave me high and dry, Self-Esteem. You were no longer there to tell me that I was still worthy to be loved. Therefore, I needed to fill the space that you were once in. The empty void that was once the residence of Self-Esteem had to be occupied. I started with food. Food was my solace and brought me into a mild state of euphoria. I needed sugar especially to help and gained a dependency on it. Eventually food was not enough and I needed a little more.
My question to you Self-Esteem is what can I do to be in your good graces again? How can I earn your trust and bring you back to me? Should I stop blaming my past and focus on what is happening in my present? Should I seek fast track methods of breaking the addiction by crash dieting and using extreme methods to lose the weight I’ve gained due to my emotional eating habits? My relationship with you has been replaced by food and Food is the new substitute for Self-Esteem. Food has not been too kind to me. It calls me in the middle of night when I don’t need it and I indulge too much of it when it’s there waiting to be consumed. I immediately feel guilty after my intense consumption and I don’t quite savor food the way it should be. Rather than allowing my taste buds to experience the essence of a food’s aroma and flavor, I swallow it whole and wait for my stomach to feel full.
The fullness. That is what I truly desire. That is what I actually crave.
My body does not react the same way when you are there Self-Esteem. When you were present, my body felt energetic and full of vigor. My posture was correct, my smile felt genuine, I laughed so much more, and enjoyed the company of others. Since food has been your substitute, it has made my body feel lethargic and sluggish. I feel sadness quite frequently and I prefer people to stay away from me because I don’t feel confident enough to be within the company of others.
I can hear them calling me names and judging my weight.
I can hear them thinking, what is wrong with her?
I can hear them saying, “she is so weird”.
So I would like you to know that I am ready to have you back in my life. I’m ready to be fulfilled again with the love of loving myself. I am willing to allow my food substitute to take a leave of absence from filling the void in my soul and to let self-esteem return to its humble abode. This is the place where you belong and this is the place where you were born. I can’t let this body die without having you become a part of it.
Sincerely,
The Lonely Girl Who Needs To Fill The Void
